Open Letter to My Neighbor’s Visitor

Dear Sir,

I just am a little upset that I couldn’t make it to my house in time to hide from you yesterday. I heard that you were back in town, and I was hoping that my new car would confuse you. Instead, the second that I pulled into my driveway, you were waiting at my car door to talk with me. Don’t you think that if I wanted to say hi, I would have come over? Did it ever occur to you that I DON’T LIKE YOU? I only talked with you because I am scared that you are going to find a reason to take more of my money. That’s right, I’m scared of you. That is really the best way to make friends, scare them into befriending you. I can’t imagine any other reason that someone would befriend you. You cheated me out of a lot of money last summer, and I am still bitter about it. In fact, I am extremely bitter about it and I am very grateful that you decided to sell the house once you are done having it remodeled. Because if you moved in next door to me, I would probably end up in the bathtub with my hairdryer, taking a permanent vacation from reality. Please, please, stay at least two states away. And please, don’t talk to me like I had anything to do with your little back problems, because I was the one who ended up paying you $400 to sit on that tractor and tell Travis what to do. I don’t feel bad that you have back problems because of it. Four hundred dollars is a lot of friggin money. I’m kinda glad that you were stuck in bed for that long, perhaps it gave you time to think about how many shoes and lattes I could have bought with that hard earned money, you theifer. I’m hoping that money was a comfort to you; perhaps you had it sewn into a little pillow so you could snuggle with it. Since no one else in their right mind would have stopped by to visit you. I’m also hoping that it gave you quite a few paper cuts while you were counting it. Rubbing alcohol anyone? Grr….

Sincerely,

Your Passive Aggressive Neighbor

P.S. If you talk to me again, I'm am going to make you some special cookies. The kind with arsenic. Wait, is that rat poison or licorice flavoring? I need to watch more CSI.