Hi. I just needed to vent for a minute... and it's to late at night to call someone. I got a phone call this evening, and my grandmother had a stroke today, early this morning. I guess the bottom line is that I'm sad. Sad that she is on her way home.... The doctors had given us no hope of recovery, and they are looking at discharging her tomorrow into hospice care. She is completely unresponsive, apparently she opened her eye's for a bit but did not recognize anyone or what was happening around her. At this moment, it seems like a flood of memories is almost overtaking me. I was so blessed to have spent my childhood living next door to my grandparents. They were a constant part of my life from three months old into my early teenage years. I think that my heart hurts the most for my grandfather. I don't think that he can even remember life with out my grandmother around. They met in college, and were married shortly after that. I think that they are close to 60 years together. Also for my Aunt who lives on the East Coast, who is pregnant for the first time. She and my uncle have been trying for years, and they had given up, since she is over 40 years old. I want my grandmother to meet this new little baby, the last of her grandchildren. They are so dear to me. My grandma is not the first of my grandparents to leave, my grandfather on my mom's side died about five years ago. I got a phone call from my mom telling me that I needed to call him to say goodbye. I can still remember that conversation today. He said, "I love you, Becky. And you must remember that this is not goodbye for ever, just for now. I will see you again."
But most of all, it is hard for me to face the fact that someday I will feel this way again, much deeper. It stares me in the face as my parents grow older. I hate it. I hate that we can't just live forever here. My faith gives me reason to believe that there is something better on the other side, that pain and suffering will no longer be in our lives. But it's hard to let go and stop grasping for the physical things we have now. Complicated, yes? Amidst the complication though, I am sad. Sad that this chapter is coming to a close. It has been a wonderful chapter. I am forever changed by it.